What is Forgiveness & How Do I Do It?

Forgiveness does not make us doormats. Forgiveness tells the truth and walks toward freedom. Desmond Tutu, the South Africa bishop during apartheid, gives a four fold path toward forgiveness:

Tutu's forgiveness recognizes the agency of the offended party. We always have a choice. Regardless of what the offender does, I can tell the story of how I was hurt. Regardless of how the offender responds, I can name the hurt.

I'm convinced too many bypass these two first steps to grant phony forgiveness. Forgiveness cannot take place without those two first steps.

So what is forgiveness?

Definition: Forgiveness is when we release entrust God to enact justice. We release our desire to seek our own justice, even if the offender hasn’t apologized or changed.

Internal act: It's something we do in our own heart.
Unilateral: It doesn’t require the other person’s participation.
Commanded: In Scripture, believers are always called to forgive (e.g., Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14-15).
Freedom: Forgiveness sets us free from bitterness, resentment, and the need for vengeance.
May Not Erase Consequences: David repents but still faces consequences of his sin (2 Sam. 2:11-12)

Forgiveness says, “I won't seek my own justice, I will entrust that to God”

Once we forgive we can desire reconciliation. It's important to separate forgiveness and reconciliation. There are many offenses that permanently ruin relationships (this side of heaven). Just because forgiveness has taken place does not mean a relationship is restored, in fact many times relationship are released.

Definition: Reconciliation is the restoration of trust and relationship between two people.

Relational act: It’s something that happens between people.
Mutual: Requires repentance, rebuilding of trust, and often accountability.
Conditional: Not always possible, especially when safety, abuse, or unrepentance are in play.
Not always required: Unlike forgiveness, reconciliation isn’t always commanded (Romans 12:18: “If possible, as far as it depends on you…”).

Reconciliation says, “Let’s connect again,” but only when it’s safe and sincere

Forgiveness is not easy. It sets us free because repair has more power than rupture.

Because he likes us,
Craig